Week 12: My Phantom, Myself

Throughout most of my life, I never really fit in with other people. I was the quite girl in the class, the person who's heard "oh, so you do speak" enough times to be annoying. Maybe it was because I didn't try hard enough, I don't know. When there was a group project, I would elect to do all of the work myself, or wait a few seconds and go up to the teacher and say "I don't have a group" as if I actually tried getting into one. For one English class, the class was thoroughly broken up in its own cliques, usually by who was sitting next to each other. The problem with the students sitting around me was they were all actually friends and I was always the add on they so graciously accepted. Most of the time they didn't include me in the discussion and got to work without giving me a part, leaving me in the corner feeling useless. It's a recurring theme with me. I'm just so useless, I never try.

I never made a lasting friend. Someone you would go out of your way to hang out with, someone you would trust with your secrets. I made several acquaintances with whom I would chat with, but once our schedules no longer coincided, we were back to being strangers. So was I just loathsome, self-deprecating mess? Well, somewhat, but not entirely. I was fine being left alone if I had a good book.

In elementary school I became engrossed in the book series The Land of Elyon. It was a fantasy novel about a young girl who finds a stone that allows her to talk to animals. I would check out one book at the library, finish it in days, and skittishly wait until next week when I could get the next book. Though I do not remember much about the plot, I can vividly recall the shear escapist joy I got while reading. The Wolves of the Beyond was another series I got into, but this time I had to wait for each book fair to get the next installment, as it was ongoing. It took about four years to finish.

Eventually books turned into plot heavy RPG video games, but it was still a sort of way for me to escape myself. People often like to project themselves as the protagonist in an RPG, but not me. I was all too happy to be someone else. Through this, I was able to grasp some semblance of self contentment. I could even say it prevented me from falling into depression. Books and video games gave me a distraction that stopped me from just hating myself all the time, and concentrate that energy into something else. In many ways, I still have a long way to go. But when I feel overwhelmed or worthless, I know I have somewhere for my mind to go.