Week 2: We Look for Ourselves

For the past five years, I've kept a daily question journal by my bedside. It was a fun activity that I would do before bedtime with silly questions like, "If today was an animal, what animal would it be?" or serious questions like, "Can people change?". Not only did I get a short moment of reflection but I got to see my answers from the years before, and they either made me laugh because I was such a different person or because my answer hadn't changed at all. This casual diary inspired me to start writing in an actual journal. Most of my recent passages are my meandering thoughts as I work through a problem or an idea. I think I'm forced to be kinder to myself when there's the risk of having to read back my thoughts. 

I was also inspired by the words of Zadie Smith, “The very reason I write is so that I might not sleepwalk through my entire life”. The days fly by so quickly that I wonder where all my time has gone. I really don't want my life to be something that just happens to me. Also, it is inevitable that there are some downs in life, and I would rather face them wide awake then wait for them to pass in a protective daze. 

For me, the idea of translating my innermost thoughts to a public space is unnerving. I wouldn't want all the worst bits of myself up for anyone to see and judge. At the same time, I have a deep appreciation for people willing to put themselves out there. I love reading about the very best and worst of humanity because naturally, I come across someone who has found just the words to express something I have always felt but have never been able to vocalize. As humans, we are silly and judgmental and mean and jealous and unreasonable. Facing that part of ourselves makes it easier to work through and heal. Pretending it doesn't exist just means it stews in a dark, quiet place until it bursts out. 

I think we enjoy reading other people's stories because we want to find someone who's willing to speak the truth. The one we would never talk about if someone else hadn't come forward first. I also think we like to read other people's stories because at our very best we want to connect with other people. We want to cry with them, laugh with them, and get angry with them. So, while I do think there is a danger of putting so much out there that all the feedback has a negative effect on our sense of worth and identity. However, we seek out stories from other people so that they can guide us through a time they've already experienced. That sense of community and support is invaluable. 

My writing style tends to be a stream of consciousness, I don't want to stop and lose my train of thought because I was perfecting a sentence. Most journal writers also take this approach, although there are a few who prefer writing their diaries as a cohesive story. I would say that you can still learn from the thoughts of someone else and that it doesn't necessarily have to be a narrative for you to gain something. Sometimes my favorite lines are the ones that exist on their own and aren't part of a greater arc or story. 

When it is a personal diary in your possession and there is no fear of anyone accessing it, I think you should be as true to yourself as possible. That also means that your priority might not be spelling and grammar. Since this is a space you've built for yourself, you should be able to enjoy that freedom of expression. Whereas, when you are writing in a public space and you know you will have an audience, it is important that you are communicating clearly. It is also important that you do not reveal things about someone who doesn't want to share their story online. Being accessible to people means you have a greater responsibility about what you write and who you write about.