When I was finished unloading her groceries, I told her I loved her and that she better call me if she needs anything else because I don't want her going out to the stores right now until this is all over. We elbow bumped, and she watched me from her front door until I got into my car and drove away, smiling and waving good-bye to me in her white robe.
I left her house thinking about something my Grandpa had told me when I was there, unloading the groceries; something about how my Grandma was coughing a lot and didn't sound good. I couldn’t get myself to recall exactly what he said; this new world felt surreal to me, and I never could imagine my family to be impacted by this epidemic.
While my Grandma assured me it was a sinus infection, I called my Mom just to let her know that my Grandma sounded sick and she should try to give her a call and check on her too. My Grandma is a person who will always tell you, "I'm fine, don't worry about me". She’s been like that her whole life, very tough and always taking care of everyone else.
That next Thursday morning, my Mom called me at 7:00 a.m. in a panic. She said she checked in on my Grandma and was worried, especially because of all the Covid-19 stuff that is circulating the news right now. To be safe, my Mom rushed over to their house and called my Grandma's primary care doctor. He instructed my Mom to take her to the ER, only after he made a phone call letting them know that my Grandma was on her way. My Mom told me that my Grandma was having a hard time breathing and had a fever, and although my Grandma was pissed at my Mom for dragging her to the ER, she complied because we all would rather be safe than sorry.
My Mom then walked my Grandma up to the doors of the Emergency Room, where a hospital police officer was standing to guard the doors. Because of the virus outbreak, my Mom could not come in with my Grandma. My Grandma was admitted to the hospital alone. Her symptoms were originally not deemed as severe enough to be admitted at that time, despite my Mom's desperate claims that she must be there since she is so old. She was only admitted because she had an irregular heart beat. She tested negative for Flu A and Flu B, yet the hospital was still considering whether or not to test her for coronavirus.
After a few more tests, and a few more hours of deliberation, my Grandma was finally tested. They said it would be 3-4 days until she were to get her results back, so she was to stay in isolation there until then. Because of the uncertainty surrounding my Grandma’s diagnosis, my Mom and my Grandpa were ordered to quarantine until they received her test results back, and if she is to test positive, they were to quarantine for another 14 days. My Grandpa cannot take care of himself on his own as my Grandma is his primary caretaker, so my Mom began staying at their house to take care of him and their dog Lizzie while my Grandma was in the hospital.
The following Friday morning, my Grandma quickly began to lose her voice, and couldn't speak without coughing. She was given very strong cough medicine that did not seem to work. Because of her cough, it made it extremely hard for us to call her on her cell phone because she struggled to get even one word out, let alone a sentence. I am lucky to have Grandma that knows how to work her Iphone and text, because that is mostly the only thing we were able to do if we wanted to stay in contact with her while she was there. She was put in an isolation room, something she described to be similar to a ziplock tent, where the doctors and nurses had to unzip the door to get in and out. Being the tough woman she is, she still continued to text my Mom and I that she was fine, and that we better not worry about her.
I last spoke with my Grandma on her 3rd day in the hospital. She could only call me after getting another dose of cough medicine my Mom said, so I waited patiently for her call. Her voice did not sound like her. She sounded like a character from a movie, like Beetlejuice.
Earlier that day I had talked to my Mom, who said that the nurses had found my Grandma early in morning on the floor of her room. She was given Ambien to sleep, so we were told by the hospital staff that they think she may have fallen out of her bed from being so sedated. She was immediately rushed to get a CT scan to make sure she did not hurt anything. Luckily, she was okay.
I was heartbroken when I heard that she had asked the nurses if she was going to die that morning. I cried when my Mom told me that. My poor Granny. All I wanted to do was be at her side, tell her everything was going to be okay.
When she finally called my cellphone, I told her not to force herself to talk if it was going to be hard for her, or if it was going to make her cough too much. I just wanted to tell her I love her, and that I am thinking about her and she will be better soon. She told me she feels bad that my Mom is taking care of my Grandpa and their dog while she was there. She has always been so caring and selfless, and it hurt my heart to know that she felt bad for being so sick. She ended our phone call with the same thing she has always told me after every phone call, what she has always written in every birthday and holiday card.
“I love you forever and a day” she said.
The next morning my Mom called me hysterically crying. My Grandma was rushed to the ICU. She could not breathe on her own, and needed to be intubated and put on a ventilator to help with her breathing. She had tested positive for coronavirus. My Mom just kept saying on the phone, "I am so sorry Al. I am so sorry". I fell to my knees crying. I knew she was where she needed to be as she was in critical condition, but I wish we could be there with her; holding her hand, letting her know how tough she is and that we are there for her.
***
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| My Grandma and I, Mothers Day (2001) |
It is now my Grandma’s 14th day on a ventilator, and her 18th day in the hospital. She spent her 80th Birthday on a ventilator. That was one of the hardest days for my family. We couldn’t even call her to sing her “Happy Birthday”. She has been fully sedated and the rules of the hospital do not allow the nurses to go on her phone. I could not see my Mom or Grandfather for the 14 days that this was all happening.
While the Health Department ordered them to quarantine, for some reason they did not believe I would have been compromised from the virus for being there for the 15 minutes that I was, the day before my Grandma went to the hospital. Despite this, I have stayed home this entire time.
My Grandma has been my closest ally, my best friend for as long as I could remember. She has always been there for me, giving me advice when I need it, urging me to stay at her house when I am sad. Throughout the entirety of my life, I have had a very close relationship with my Grandparents. The idea of ever losing them terrifies me, especially in this way.
While this entire experience has been hills and valleys, she has been hanging in there for us. She is still in the ICU on a ventilator, and she still has fluid in her lungs, now receiving dialysis because her kidneys have been affected by this virus. Despite all of these complications, her vitals have remained stable throughout the entirety of her stay in the ICU. My family and I continue to pray that she will come home to us.
I later spoke to the nurse who intubated her, and she told me that right before they did, my Grandma told her, “I will not be another statistic, and I will fight with everything in me so that I am not”. While this experience has been the most emotionally exhausting and agonizing pain I have ever felt in my life, I know she is tough and I believe she will defy the odds. She is beginning to show signs of progress, and I wish I could be there to tell her how proud I am of her.
In the midst of a Global Pandemic, I think it’s natural that we question “Who is to blame?”.
Who is at fault for the thousands of lives lost to this virus? Do we blame China where the virus originated? Or, do we blame the Federal Government for the delayed response? The secrecy and misinformation presented to the American people for almost 3 months prior to the declaration of a National Emergency? Or, should we blame our neighbors? The fellow American citizens who neglected to adhere to the CDC and World Health Organization’s suggestions to prevent a major deadly spread?
I think everyone has a little bit of blood on their hands, obviously some more than others. The problem with this is, assigning blame to someone or something for what is going on will not cure this virus. We cannot go back in time and change our Government’s delay of action against this, so I believe it is detrimental that we, as American citizens, take action into our own hands. As a nation and a community, each and every one of us have the power to stop the spread. This is not a time to be selfish; shame on all of those who continue to go and hangout with their friends, going from house to house and potentially spreading this to other peoples family members and loved ones.
As a community, we must make up for what was not done for us; I urge everyone to stay home unless it is undeniably necessary for the health of the household to leave. I urge you to make trips to the grocery store and pharmacy sparingly; please do not go unless you are facing the threat of starvation or a medical complication. I understand that it feels impossible to have to stay in the house for days on end, and trust me, I too would love to see my friends and go to the store, or even just feel some type of human connection. But I do not wish this feeling of agonizing pain and anxiety that my family and I have been personally subjected to, on anyone else. I cannot describe how thankful I am, and how lucky I feel, that miraculously, neither my Mom nor my Grandpa had gotten sick too.
My heart aches for those who have already lost their loved ones this way. To know that someone you love has to fight for their life, fight to love again, fight to laugh again, fight to come home to their family in one piece rather than in a box full of ashes, is something that no one should have to go through. And people already have had to experience this. This is not a “hoax”, this is not just a “bad flu” that will be eradicated by warm weather, and this is not “fake news”. This is a real virus that is taking real people, and causing real sadness. Please stay home. If you see others on social media who are not doing that, please say something. Please remind them of the damage that their actions can cause to others, and the families that are torn apart as a result of this. Please don't let those who have already fallen victim to this virus have died in vain, only to become just another number. Please make sure that your Grandma does not have to go through what my Grandma is going through right now. Please don't let my Grandma's story go unheard.
Please do your part, or we will all reap the consequences.
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