Week 2: You Can't Always Write What You Want

I am terrified at the thought of keeping a traditional journal. I am terrified for many reasons, considering the fact that I would be engaging in the act of recording my most intimate, life-altering revelations. I am mainly terrified because it would probably put my therapist out of work. And I like her a lot, she brings her dog to work with her. Although this is not my only reason for possessing a severe phobia of recording my everyday thoughts and feelings, it’s serves as a good excuse.

I believe that if I were to keep a traditional journal, engaging in this form of self reflection would be horrifying but adherently invigorating. There are days where the running conversation in my head seems like it’s begging me to drive to the nearest Target and go buy a journal. I can’t come up with a reason for why I haven’t, although I could probably come up with a few for why I should. I believe that I am mostly scared of the actual act of physically writing out some of my thoughts, feelings, or interpretations. To me, the idea of this transfer of thought from the mind to paper would inevitably condemn these thoughts or experiences to be inherently more real. I also feel like I have some thoughts/feelings that lack the structure to be put into a standard
English sentence, that both makes sense to any English reader and is also a fully comprehensive recount to the emotions behind it.

I do face moments in the present where I reminisce on a certain time period of my life and struggle to pick my own brain to recall my actual feelings and emotions during that time phase. I feel like I can almost remember what I was thinking at that time, but the emotions have grown so dull. I feel unsure in these memories, and I can’t decide whether or not my long-term memory has created a glorified fictitious sham of what my present-self wishes my past-self thought at the time. But then, I realize my understanding and interpretation of certain events in my life could have only been processed differently if attended to with growth and wisdom attributed over the years. And could I tap into my brain 5 years ago, would I really think of my 16 year old self to have made the idiotic choices my elders never neglect to remind me of now, or have I been interpreting events the same my whole life, and as I age, I have just been forced to interpret these events in a different setting???? This leads to summarize my inclination to begin writing things down.

Although, as I have previously voiced some of my concerns for keeping a traditional journal, I somehow have a feeling of opposition towards the idea of writing about myself online. I think this somewhat has to do with the fact that I would be less likely to share certain information about my life online, because the awareness of an audience would force me to perform at least a miniscule sense of censorship in the things I would willingly share. I would face no issue sharing the basic necessities a reader may need in order to relate to me, connect with me, or inspire me. I do find fear in the idea of sharing information that a reader may want to disagree with me on. As a Gemini, I face a constant battle between my emotions and intellect. I have a strong desire to relate with every single person I come into contact with, yet I also possess very strong opinions that resist alteration by anyone. I believe this yearning for relation would at times overpower my desire to share some of the stronger opinions or beliefs I hold. I believe a writer does not have to translate every belief they possess into their writing, because it may lead to a disconnect in the purpose of their writing in the first place. Thus, a writer must not barricade themselves from making a connection with readers who have different thoughts or opinions. To leave “a little for the imagination” in writing allows the writer to hang on to a sense of self, while still leaving room for self-reflection and growth.

I would assume most people are interested in reading other’s diaries for similar reasons that people listen to music with lyrics, watch TV shows, or read books. To read another person’s diary, the reader is inherently looking for a point of relation or connection to the writer. I believe it is human nature to inherently seek relation or connection to another being or the message they are presenting. I understand that as humans we get bored and reading another person’s diary or journal may fill that void, but in actuality, I myself have no interest in knowing what anyone else is doing that I will never meet in real life (as they probably have no interest in my actions either) unless I am able to internally find relation or connection to them.

While most readers find comfort in relating to the writer or their work,“The Diary of Anne Frank” evolved into an artifact that was read and deeply admired by “tens of millions of people all over the world” (Massotty), although we can infer that not every reader shared a similar experience to Anne in the midst of the Holocaust. Yet somehow, this diary became one of the most enduring and touching documents of the twentieth century. I believe this particluar diary resonated with so many individuals because although Anne’s diary was consumed by many readers who did not share similar experiences to hers of the Holocaust, her documentations still offered every single reader the key to the interpretations of this devastating event from her own personal experiences. The development of her voice throughout her writing became so empowering to any person reading. Because of the content Anne included in her diary, she was able to depict herself to the reader as someone who was relatable to anyone, despite their circumstances.

I would say that most diary writers do write in a stream of consciousness, but this does not mean that the writer is the only party that can learn from their own writing. This is considerably true in Anne Frank’s diary.

In the case of “The Diary of Anne Frank”, although this was a traditional diary, Anne worked hard to improve her writing before publication (Massotty). A diary writer concerned with the perfection of grammarly conventions, organization, and the omission of those who prefer not to be named in their writing, equates to a writer who is passionate within the message they are trying to convey. This type of writer commits a selfless act of publication, and is willing to ensure that the reader diving into their stream of consciousness is able to interpret their documentations in the exact same way as they had when writing them. Online, these same rules should apply with grammar and organization as once your post is published, it is out there forever, for the entire world and web to see.

Week 2: When your life becomes someone else

Over the course of the past few years I have always kept a journal. Not quite a diary as I rarely wrote Dear diary followed by a page of my thoughts and feelings of the moment. However I always kept a journal full of lists and poems and doodles and thoughts. And when I look back on them I remember moments I had forgotten poems about people I liked or lists of what to pack for my Florida trip. And it felt like a small log into my life. Sometimes I like to post online a poem or talk about something that is going on in my life. And although it can be nice to get all the nice comments from people you don't know that well. It is also hard as once you put that out there its not yours anymore. Many people talk about how writing a book or making a song and putting it out for the world to see is letting it go. It is now not yours solely where only you can judge it, it becomes everyone else's. Now it is theirs to interpret and judge. This is why many people portray a fake persona online, it is much easier to live an altered version of yourself for others than live your authentic self online for others to judge and ridicule. But at the same time this is what people find most appealing, we love reading others journals because we get a peak into their mind. We get to someone being genuine which can be quite difficult to find particularly in a digital space. People love genuine people online however it is hard to be that genuine person as then you are partially living for others and they're validation or ridicule of you. This is why I would argue that most people are not writing in the natural stream of consciousness
way. Although it is one of my personal favorite ways to write it is messy and unpolished and dosen't always make sense. Diary entry's are much more organized and thought out. However I do think that with Diary's its okay to have misspelled words and a list of all the people you hate and that is perfectly fine, that is what a diary is for. However once it goes over to an online platform that changes. Those thoughts are no longer just for you they are now for a collection of people. So although there can still be an occasional spelling mistake or a random thought or two. Talking about people in a negative way online becomes a different much more abrasive things I don't condone. Those feelings could get back to the person there talking about and can cause much more harm than good.

Week 2: Our Truths, Our Voices

I don’t think I would know who I am today if I didn’t keep a journal. I don’t use it that often anymore, but every now and then when I have an argument with my mom or breakup with a partner, it helps me sort out my feelings by writing them down. As Luella B. Cook mentions in her article “Writing as Self-Revelation,” we often don’t know what we want to say until we begin to write. Similarly, I don’t know how I feel until I write it down.

When I write in my journal, it is for my eyes only. I simply pick up a pen and scribble away, leaving everything on the page and holding nothing back. Which is exactly why my journal is for my eyes only.

Being vulnerable is hard enough to do with yourself, let alone with other people. We’ve all heard that we have to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else, and I also think we have to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with others. Cook sums it up nicely in her article when she explains that those who are successful at oral communication have a strong sense of self, which, she argues, is something we can all cultivate through self-reflective writing. Like, for example, in a journal.

Writing about yourself and for yourself teaches you about yourself. It’s like you’re having a conversation with your subconscious, which allows you to finally understand the real reason you’re angry with your mom and that your boyfriend probably didn’t deserve you anyway. These are topics we may not want to discuss with others, even those closest to us, and we won’t have these conversations with ourselves out loud (I mean, obviously. Who talks to themselves? That would be so weird…), so writing allows us to explore our thoughts and feelings in the privacy of our own notebook. Like the author of “Goody Two Shoes” says, writing allows us to speak our truth and thereby find our voice:

“Writing can teach us the dignity of speaking the truth, and it spreads out from the page into all of our life, and it should. Otherwise, there is too much of a schism between who we are as writers and how we live our daily lives. That is the challenge: to let writing teach us about life and life about writing.”

In this way, writers can learn a great deal from their private journals, but, especially because no one else is intended to read them, others can’t really learn from these entries. And rightly so. Those are the writer’s own personal thoughts, and they should always get the final say over whether or not to share them and if they do, who to share them with.

Online diaries, while they are also typically very personal, can be viewed by potentially millions of pairs of eyes. For this reason, I don’t expect the authors of these entries to write in a stream of consciousness style the way I personally do when writing in my private journal. These bloggers have an audience, a very public one at that, and whether it’s intentional or not, their posts will be influenced by this awareness. Unlike private journals, however, it’s not just the author who learns from their writing— lots of other internet users have access to the knowledge and perspectives bloggers share.

Of course, this begs the question of how much we should share about ourselves. For me, the more the merrier. Perhaps I’m just nosy, but I love learning about others’ lives and their dreams, goals, favorite things, traveling recommendations, recipes, and whatever else they choose to write about. I love the idea of writing about myself online too and have even considered starting a blog of my own in the past (if only I had the time!). It could be a great opportunity to connect with others who may be experiencing the same things as I am or that I simply have a lot in common with. The world is big and full of lots of wonderful people I will probably never get to meet but conversing with some of these individuals through a blog could give me a chance to do so, albeit only virtually.

Plus, there can be something comforting about sharing intimate details about yourself and being vulnerable with an unknown audience precisely because they don’t know you personally. Madeleine Sorapure even gives examples in her article “Screening Moments, Scrolling Lives” of bloggers who have asked their audience on their website not to read their content if they know them in real life. Strangers tend to listen. Your friends and family tend to offer solutions. Sometimes, a stranger’s ear is all you really need.

Ultimately, whether people should or should not share their personal dreams, thoughts, goals, etc. is completely up to whatever each individual is comfortable with. As for oversharing, I don’t think there’s such a thing. Like I said, the more the merrier. I believe the more open and vulnerable you are, the more you can actually further develop your voice and your purpose. You can find a greater truth.

This truth that others share on their blogs is exactly why I love reading them. It’s probably why a lot of people like reading them. Learning about others’ lives and their truths and their perspectives opens our eyes to the diversity of human life and experiences. Hearing others’ stories, accomplishments, hopes, dreams, knowledge, etc. gives us something valuable and can inspire us to change something in our own lives. Some of my favorite bloggers, like Venetia Falconer and Zanna Van Dijk share their struggles with anxiety and stress, their efforts to lead a more sustainable lifestyle, and all sorts of other knowledge with their audiences from everything to beauty to food to finances. Maybe it sounds cliché, but I don’t think I’m the only one who would agree that it’s inspiring.

Perhaps some blogs have a few typos, some spelling errors, or organizational issues, but this isn’t the world of academia. Of course, it would be beneficial to use coherence and structure in order to attract and keep a readership for an online diary, but I don’t believe it’s an essential aspect. Name dropping, on the other hand, could be a major issue in blog entries. The best approach in my opinion would be to ask for permission before using anyone’s name. In a private journal, especially if it really will only be seen by the writer’s eyes, all of this becomes irrelevant. Again, it’s not the world of academia, and applying the pressures of that world to such personal writing seems unnecessary.

Overall, journals, whether online or private, create and reflect our voices. And those voices allow us to be heard. As John Grisham said in his commencement address at UNC Chapel Hill in 2010, “Isn’t that one of our greatest fears? That we will not be heard? …

“To be heard, you must find a voice.”

Week 2: Writing About Yourself

Sitting down with a physical journal or some form of digital journal can be extremely uncomfortable. No one wants their personal feelings or thoughts to be aired out to the general populace's eyes; I believe even with things like Twitter and Facebook, people put on a sort of mask and filter everything through that mask. Personally, I keep a journal for two different reasons: In part it helps with my therapy, and otherwise I enjoy being able to get my private thoughts down and out of just my head. Personally, I believe people should be able to share just about anything they want, but that doesn't mean they are immune to criticism or misunderstanding for those thoughts. It's been made abundantly clear from how many private messages or images have been leaked to the public that people enjoy the concept of seeing that which is private; even if not meant maliciously, seeing someone's intimate thoughts can be enlightening if one were to enjoy their company otherwise. In all honesty though, I believe most people do not write completely truthfully in any kind of diary due to the anxiety of being seen or judged. Even with today's more accepting society towards LGBTQ+ groups of people, there is always the invisible and gripping fear of "what if". For who or what they can talk about, it's much the same of real life; drop someone's name and call them something crude, and you will be criticized, say something that people could find annoying and you will be confronted.

Week 2: Futile Efforts in Journal Writing

                In the past I’ve kept personal journals utilizing a notebook and pen or pencil. It’s been a way for me to express thoughts, fears, concerns, hopes, and even goals/dreams for my future and who I want to be. Journal writing has given me moments of hope where I’ve felt like my passion could be a career. Where I’ve had a moment of peaceful clarity and thought that I’ve overcome the doubt that lingers in my mind. Almost like it’s silenced the voice telling me, “You’re not good enough.” Inevitably though that doubt that I thought to have sprayed with metaphorical weed killer comes back and has spread because the root hasn’t died. Rather, it has grown more firmly and deeply in the recesses of my ego. So, while I’ve kept journals for periods of time, they’ve felt like a continuous cycle of the same thing over and over without any real change to my perspective. I think that is why I’ve never been one to write about myself online – be it through blogs or some other social media platform. That voice grows stronger telling me, “Nobody cares what you have to say,” and inevitably I agree. I don’t share much of my goals, dreams, plans with many people, and especially not online. It’s probably a good thing to do so – to get support, encouragement, and create a sense of community and accountability for those dreams. Unfortunately, I think that I’m too much like my father. I tend to look at things through a pessimistic lens…waiting for the next shoe to drop so I can be like, “see, I told you so.”

                I don’t know that oversharing causes one to lose their voice. I think when someone attempts to deliver what other people expect of them; entertain for the sake of entertaining; or in some way try to be something they are not is when they lose their voice. But I think that, as John Grisham stated in his commencement address, “it’s your unique voice that people want to listen to.” (I’m obviously paraphrasing here a bit.) But it is that voice which is why I think people are interested in reading someone else’s journal or diary. Often times, people will write things that we as readers are unable to articulate. But reading something that we may be feeling can give us a greater depth of understanding of who we are. It can help us put things into perspective or provide us with a way of looking at something that we hadn’t been able to do on our own. Sometimes the journal of someone else can inspire or motivate. And at times take away some of our fears, foibles, insecurities and make us feel less alone or isolated.

                While I haven’t read many blogs (and that will probably change as a result of this course), I don’t know if people write in a stream of consciousness or if there is a prompt/plan to which they write. But regardless of the approach that a writer takes to the writing of their blog, I think that it can be meaningful and speak to an audience beyond just that of the writer. Just because stream of consciousness is designed to put the reader inside the head of the writer (or a character), I think that view can provide some level of insight into the reader’s mind as well. It is something that a reader can compare, contrast, or even gain some insight into. It’s probably cathartic for the writer, but the reader has something to learn from as well in this style of writing.

                Electronic writing (word processors for example) can help with some of the grammatical aspects of someone’s writing. But with non-computer based writing I think issues of spelling and grammar could be more prominent. However, if the audience is the writer themselves, these issues probably become less and less important. Now, when someone is putting things out in an online environment which is open to the public for consumption, I think that it is important for the writer to be more concerned with the spelling and organization of a given piece. As Ms. Cook mentions in her piece Writing as Self Reflection, “…there is the more baffling problem of balancing the occasions for objective judgment of the composition product itself with occasions for a subjective evaluation of the pupil’s effort.” Granted she is coming at this from an academic perspective, but I think as readers we need to balance those efforts as well when we write for a public audience. As readers we sometimes need to look beyond the formatting/appearance and understand the substance or essence of the piece. However, writers also need to be concerned with the output, correctness, and organization of a piece. There is a definite amount of care, concern, and pride that we need to take when putting something out for public consumption as it can become very distracting and off putting to a reader when major issues are present.

Week 2: Is My Life That Interesting to Post About?

I have never, nor will I ever, write my feelings into a diary. OK maybe that sounds dramatic, but I don't see myself starting anytime soon. Not because I think they are useless or unnecessary, but I express my feelings in other ways. When I want to pour my feelings into something, I will sit down at my laptop and create a character who is going through opposite things as me. For example, if I feel like my life is out of my control at the moment, I will develop a character who has control issues and comes to the realization that sometimes life gets in the way of your plans, and that you can't control everything. This helps me cope with my stresses and anxieties, and during that process, it helps me overcome them.

Although I don't keep a diary online, sometimes I feel like Instagram is my diary. I never share lengthy, whiny "why me" posts or anything, but I share photos of friends, and share scriptures that have helped me along the way, in hopes that it might help someone, too. If I were to ever start an online diary, I don't think I could hold back on the personal issues of my life. I've been involved in a bible study for the past three years with girls my age, and found early on that we share the same struggles. If you have a strong voice and are willing to put yourself out there, I don't see why you shouldn't start an online diary or journal. There are at least a handful of people out there that are going through the same things as you, and are probably itching to find an online entity that they can relate to. If you have something to say (and its not hurtful to anyone) by all means, say it. But don't loose yourself in the process. Always be your authentic self.

When writes sit down to write, I think it starts consciously, but the subconscious bubbles to the surface. I notice that when I start to write about a topic, it opens a door to a realm that I've never explored before. There are so many ideas and feelings and opinions that want to be addressed that otherwise wouldn't. Just like when you're reading, the writer can take away something after they finish their diary entry.

I am by no means a grammar Nazi; however, I know that some readers will stop reading when they spot more than one. But for an online diary that more than likely hasn't been edited, and probably won't make it to publication, I don't think you should be worried with spelling and grammar. What you should focus on is the organization of the diary, and making sure it's easy to follow along and navigate. When online journals and diary writers name drop, ninety percent of the time I've never head of the person they're talking about. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't refer to someone else. If the person they are referring to has a great article, or book, etc. about the topic that you are talking about, then by all means tell us who that is. But if the person has nothing to do with what you're talking about, leave it out. It's so easy to click open another tab and Google other people who write about similar subjects online.

Week 2: To Post, or Not to Post?

I’ve always found diaries as a great way to release the stress of the day into a safe place where no one will ever see it. For years, I have bought cute little notebooks, of every size and every color, in the hopes of finally committing to writing in it every day. Unfortunately, I have never been able to hold myself to it. I am horrible with keeping up with what seems like such a simple task every day, and I wish I could so I would have an account of my life.

If I had kept up with one over the years, I would never post it online for the world to see. By nature, I am a very private person, and the thought of writing about myself online in a diary form sounds terrifying. I don’t believe it is a bad thing at all, if you can do that, more power to you. I am just not the type of person who wants an audience for my deepest, darkest secrets. Sharing personal thoughts, dreams, or little anecdotes about your day to day life is okay, it can be quite entertaining for people, but I do believe a line can be crossed into oversharing. Talking about people in your personal life who did not consent to be put online can be very dangerous, and I feel that in this day and age of social media, we tend to see this a lot. It isn’t that hard to change a name to keep that person unknown, and it will still allow you to vent your frustrations.

 I wouldn’t mind posting an online diary if I knew it would always be kept anonymous, but I think that eventually, if the audience grew large enough, people would be dying to know who you are. People are, by nature, very nosy, which is why I believe we love to read other people’s journals. Having a peak into someone else’s life can be exciting, and voyeuristic in a way. Feeling like you’re a fly on a wall into someone’s personal life is appealing to people. I mean, isn’t that why we are all obsessed with reality TV? Watching other people interact in everyday life or even listening to their thoughts can be very intriguing. I think people are naturally inclined to connect with others, and by reading someone else’s thoughts that may be similar to your own in such an intimate way can be comforting. Knowing that there is someone out there who thinks like you, acts like you, and is going through the same problems as you, is something that people crave. With regards to people in the public eye, like celebrities, I think we are curious about how they live their lives. It’s like reading a memoir, you read it because they have an amazing story to tell, they have a famous relative or are famous themselves, or you are just curious about what their life may have been like during a certain time. Diaries can also be a good source of information on certain periods of time, like Anne Frank’s diary which provided great detail of the Nazi party and how they slowly took control over the Jewish people.

Most writers who write in a diary tend to write in their own stream of consciousness. They could be retelling events that have happened over the day, the week, or months, but they are expressing their thoughts on that event now, in that present moment. I don’t think this means that they are the only ones who can learn from it, like I said, others can relate to the issue they’re writing about, and we can find out key information about events that took place during that period in time. Diaries have been used as evidence in murder cases, and as a historical reference, so yes, I believe people other than the writers themselves can gain something from it. The writers can learn from it too; they can develop a better understanding of themselves, they can use it as a way to organize their thoughts on something before telling anyone else, and they can use it as a way to look back on their life. Their diary can then be passed down to generations who can also learn about what life was like during that exact moment in time, from the writer’s perspective.

When you write a diary, I don’t believe anyone is too concerned with the spelling, grammar, organization, or name dropping, for that matter. If you are only using it as a way to vent your feelings onto paper, because there is no one else you want to tell, then who cares? No one will see it. I know that in the diaries I kept when I was 10, I had no problem name dropping all of the boys I was currently in love with at that time, because the only person who was going to see it was me, and in a way isn’t that almost therapeutic? To be able to say anything and have no one see it. Just get it all out there, like one does when they go to see a therapist. I tend to write a diary entry in an almost frantic way anyways, it’s almost like there is so many things on my mind that I have to get them all out immediately, and reading it back, it wouldn’t make any sense to anyone else but me.  

Having an audience can change anything, though. News anchors don’t talk like that all the time, only when they’re on camera. I think when you are writing something with the intent for someone else to see it, you have to change things. If you write a diary with the plan to put it online for anyone to see, you would have to fix some spelling errors, make your thoughts a bit more coherent, organize it in a way that is readable, and most importantly, change the names of those you do not want to be associated with your diary. If you are bold enough to post all your thoughts online, then you must be able to respect that others aren’t so bold. Whether a diary is online for anyone to see, or in a notebook for only you, I think they are a perfect way to let go of all your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way that won’t burden anyone around you, and won’t cause any damage your mental health.